I don't know what the answer is. Over 2 years have passed and I feel, well, I know I AM the worse mother in the world. Any of my past ideas in doing gentle parenting are just not working. I hate my days, I hate what I am... I hate myself for not being able to move on.... I hate myself for creating so many horrible feelings on my child.... I have been wanting all this time to help her grow up happy and without issues... to grow up in the complete opposite way I did... But I am just not managing... and I am messing up big time... and I do hate myself for this so, so much! Worse thing is that I just wondered if it would be better if I just sliced my wrists open, quietly... right now... No-one will notice until is too late... But I fear that Arsinoe's image of me in her memory is just going to be so ugly... both physical and personality-wise. She'll just remember someone who I know I am, but have been fighting against for so long because is not the person I want to be... Is not the person I was... I just hate myself so much!
Monday 15 September 2014
Saturday 25 February 2012
Another day in paradise...
Well, after having lived the worse 3 weeks of my life, wanting to disappear from the face of the world and all that, I am still here. As we say in the country I was born, I am "quicking the dog" today -as in angry and frustrated... poor dog.... In our case is the fricking cat, but that is another story-. I woke up, like all mornings, feeling sleepy, just to be slapped on the face by Mark's ARSE face. I took it he was having a bad morning.... :s
He was already showered, long face and muttering around... possibly abuse, but my cold is keeping my ears protected and can't hear well at the best of times.
I proceeded to go to the kitchen to prepare Arsinoe's breakfast and I "dared" asking Mark if he could give it to her... If I didn't get eaten alive was because probably he didn't fancy a greasy for breakfast :s I did it myself and Mark shoot off to do the washing up. (This is getting too long now....) So anyway, Mark was with an even longer face in the kitchen and about to cry. I asked what was the matter and I obviously was told he didn't know. I fully understand that we all are entitled to have bad moments/days/weeks/months but to deny it and to not share it when asked is kind of wanting to stay in the space... Despite all that I tried to make him feel better, made him a drink, gave him a cuddle... but I guess I didn't do that right -my mind was in the bedroom as Arsinoe was there on her own- because I think I managed to upset Mark more, especially when I pointed out that this is the kind of situation I mean we need more support from, for example, his parents. Our day in/day out routine would kill the strongest pf people and Mark really feels the strain of it. Is not getting better, but worse and if he had a pair of parents who actually communicated with him a bit more, talked to him rather than just ask "how are you?" and LISTEN to what Mark's got to say. Mark doesn't talk to anyone because he has never been given the chance to do so..... His parents are happy to see him once in 4 months, sometimes a lot longer.... He could do with a bit of more attention from them, visits, phonecalls..... Mark says it has never been that way because it has never been needed to be that way. That really makes my head in.... I wonder if his parents think they gave birth to a robot and he has been programmed to believe he doesn't need to be in touch with his "loved ones"?!?!? It drives me mad!
So here we are today... My mood is absolute shite at the moment because of all of this, Mark is annoyed because I dared mentioning the bloody subject and yes, this is the way our weekends go these days. But still, we are needed to entertain Arsinoe, feed her breakfast, lunch, dinner, milkies in between, change her nappies and provide tender loving caring hugs to her all day long -we do love that- It is all exhausting, but with only me screaming for help this thing doesn't work. I mean, it takes two to tango, doesn't it?
Off back to put the bloody hoover away. I just managed to get rid of 2 inches worth of fluff and shite we had on the room's floor. I can't be arsed to do the corridor, kitchen and bathroom, so we'll probably be covered in fluff again by the end of the evening. Such is life... I wish the sun was shinning inside me as it is outside.
He was already showered, long face and muttering around... possibly abuse, but my cold is keeping my ears protected and can't hear well at the best of times.
I proceeded to go to the kitchen to prepare Arsinoe's breakfast and I "dared" asking Mark if he could give it to her... If I didn't get eaten alive was because probably he didn't fancy a greasy for breakfast :s I did it myself and Mark shoot off to do the washing up. (This is getting too long now....) So anyway, Mark was with an even longer face in the kitchen and about to cry. I asked what was the matter and I obviously was told he didn't know. I fully understand that we all are entitled to have bad moments/days/weeks/months but to deny it and to not share it when asked is kind of wanting to stay in the space... Despite all that I tried to make him feel better, made him a drink, gave him a cuddle... but I guess I didn't do that right -my mind was in the bedroom as Arsinoe was there on her own- because I think I managed to upset Mark more, especially when I pointed out that this is the kind of situation I mean we need more support from, for example, his parents. Our day in/day out routine would kill the strongest pf people and Mark really feels the strain of it. Is not getting better, but worse and if he had a pair of parents who actually communicated with him a bit more, talked to him rather than just ask "how are you?" and LISTEN to what Mark's got to say. Mark doesn't talk to anyone because he has never been given the chance to do so..... His parents are happy to see him once in 4 months, sometimes a lot longer.... He could do with a bit of more attention from them, visits, phonecalls..... Mark says it has never been that way because it has never been needed to be that way. That really makes my head in.... I wonder if his parents think they gave birth to a robot and he has been programmed to believe he doesn't need to be in touch with his "loved ones"?!?!? It drives me mad!
So here we are today... My mood is absolute shite at the moment because of all of this, Mark is annoyed because I dared mentioning the bloody subject and yes, this is the way our weekends go these days. But still, we are needed to entertain Arsinoe, feed her breakfast, lunch, dinner, milkies in between, change her nappies and provide tender loving caring hugs to her all day long -we do love that- It is all exhausting, but with only me screaming for help this thing doesn't work. I mean, it takes two to tango, doesn't it?
Off back to put the bloody hoover away. I just managed to get rid of 2 inches worth of fluff and shite we had on the room's floor. I can't be arsed to do the corridor, kitchen and bathroom, so we'll probably be covered in fluff again by the end of the evening. Such is life... I wish the sun was shinning inside me as it is outside.
Thursday 9 February 2012
Wednesday 8 February 2012
My second post and still related to my sister and her husband
My second post and still related to my sister and my brother in law.... On my nephew's due date my brother in law posted on facebook a message mentioning the child is late and something along the lines of he's got the same time keeping as the mother. I was the first to reply saying that he should be patience, babies are not robots and they all are born in their own time. Well, it looks like he didn't like the comment as he deleted it and he deleted me as a friend too. To be honest he has done it before. He wold add me as a friend and th
en delete me. I think he thought it was funny. I didn't mind. So I was surprised to see him adding me as a friend again and I thought it was that the fact he was gonna become a dad was making him grow up a bit... Obviously not! As soon as he got a comment that threatened his ego he deleted it and me. The funny thing is that the comment was just a good intentioned comment. I think I even mentioned A was late by 8 days according to the stupid due date -which shouldn't really exist anyway! The system is out of date and tested in a small community of African people in the 1930's!- But well, too much to hear for a pair of ears that are only to receive compliments. Twat!
End of the morning moan.
en delete me. I think he thought it was funny. I didn't mind. So I was surprised to see him adding me as a friend again and I thought it was that the fact he was gonna become a dad was making him grow up a bit... Obviously not! As soon as he got a comment that threatened his ego he deleted it and me. The funny thing is that the comment was just a good intentioned comment. I think I even mentioned A was late by 8 days according to the stupid due date -which shouldn't really exist anyway! The system is out of date and tested in a small community of African people in the 1930's!- But well, too much to hear for a pair of ears that are only to receive compliments. Twat!
End of the morning moan.
Tuesday 7 February 2012
Blog virgin
This is my very first blog/post and I am writing one handed while I hold to the milk expressing bottle with the other one. Is a common sight here at home at this time. The bigger picture will include my LO asleep right next to me -I'm sitting on the bed- and Mark lies asleep further along next to A.
Change of boob...
I had a text message from my sister saying she gave her squishy newborn -only 5 days old- formula last night. She's got plenty of milk but she said she did it for sanity. I hate the idea of seeing my nephew becoming a commodity. I can see that he'll be winned far earlier that he should just because my sister can't be bothered to breastfeed her. I wish I had all the milk she's got to fully breastfeed A. I have never been able to achieve that as my milk flow has always been realy low despite all efforts to change that :( Is all so sad :( I just guess there isn't a lot I can do about it... I wish I didn't have to listen to these things about my nephew. After all he was born by EMCS after my sister was 9cm!!!! Mainly because she didn't have the right support to reassure her, she got stressed, her husband was saying she should have a c-section and the baby got stressed, so they had to get him out. He was so ready to come out through VB that they have dislocated a hip when pulling him out :( Poor little thing!!! Is so sad :(
Tired of typing with one hand.
x
Change of boob...
I had a text message from my sister saying she gave her squishy newborn -only 5 days old- formula last night. She's got plenty of milk but she said she did it for sanity. I hate the idea of seeing my nephew becoming a commodity. I can see that he'll be winned far earlier that he should just because my sister can't be bothered to breastfeed her. I wish I had all the milk she's got to fully breastfeed A. I have never been able to achieve that as my milk flow has always been realy low despite all efforts to change that :( Is all so sad :( I just guess there isn't a lot I can do about it... I wish I didn't have to listen to these things about my nephew. After all he was born by EMCS after my sister was 9cm!!!! Mainly because she didn't have the right support to reassure her, she got stressed, her husband was saying she should have a c-section and the baby got stressed, so they had to get him out. He was so ready to come out through VB that they have dislocated a hip when pulling him out :( Poor little thing!!! Is so sad :(
Tired of typing with one hand.
x
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